Considerations for parents of a circumcised child or children when they're expecting another baby and facing the decision once more . . . written by a parent with both intact and circumcised sons.

Let’s set the scene. You have one or more children who were circumcised before you questioned the procedure. Maybe you regret putting them through that pain and/or have started to feel badly about doing it at all. You’re jumping in feet first to learn more and arm yourself with information.

Now you’re pregnant again. Maybe the blood test or ultrasound results are showing that you’ve got the same decision to make another time around. Suddenly, a question creeps into your inner dialog from the recesses of your mind: Won’t this new child feel left out? Maybe I should circumcise this one too since it’s the “norm” for the rest of the family. But what about all I’ve learned? It’s not necessary . . .

You aren’t alone. Many questioning and regret parents have had this inner dialog and have asked other parents what their opinions are. We worry about our youngest children feeling left out or different. We are parents — it’s our job to worry. We’re here to assure you that leaving your next baby intact is absolutely the right thing to do, regardless of the circumcision status of their sibling(s).

Won’t my youngest feel left out as the only one who isn’t circumcised?

No. Once your child is old enough to ask questions, they are old enough to learn the importance of being intact and why you chose differently this time. As your child grows, take the time to talk with them about why having their whole body is a blessing and not a burden.

What if my younger or older children ask questions?

If any of your children ask questions, the best thing to do is answer them honestly in an age-appropriate manner. Some parents start with, “All bodies are different so all penises look different.” If your child continues asking more, you can elaborate. Let them know that you learned more about circumcision and decided that it wasn’t the right thing to do anymore. The overall theme of your conversation should be, “We did what we thought was best at the time and now we know differently so we made a different choice for you/your sibling. Everyone is special and beautiful.”

What do I tell our family/friends/child care providers?

Honestly, there isn’t any reason to discuss the difference unless they are changing diapers for your newest baby or they are supportive and asking questions. Otherwise, you can insist your child’s genitals are not up for discussion.

Should I apologize to my children who were circumcised? If so, how?

Yes, but it is important to do so tactfully. It can be very stressful for a child to find out that a part of their penis was removed when they were a baby. When the questions come up, get down on your child’s level and tell them the age-appropriate truth. They may be upset, and rightfully so, but it’s important for them to know that you learned more, so you left their younger sibling intact. Siblings don’t need matching scars. Having an open dialogue with your circumcised child also allows them to feel comfortable approaching you if they have any issues with pain, adhesions, or other complications in the future.

Many parents report that their older circumcised children are grateful that their younger intact siblings didn’t have to experience the pain of circumcision. For older circumcised kids, make sure to have information on foreskin restoration available in case it’s something they are interested in. If your circumcised child is younger, make a mental note to discuss it at a later time.

My circumcised older child is happy and healthy, and recovery wasn’t that bad. Maybe I should choose circumcision again, to avoid the awkward conversation with me and potential animosity between them.

For a parent, facing the feelings that often arise when choosing differently for a younger child can be painful. That’s one problematic component of circumcision: it can create emotional difficulties for parents as well as children. We encourage you to explore these feelings with a trusted mental health care provider and/or in our YWB Facebook community group — there are many, many parents within the group who were once in your shoes, and they can help you feel secure in your decision to leave your younger child intact. It is a decision you will never regret.

Last updated 7.1.19.